When the going gets tough...

We knew it would be hard, but how can it be THIS hard?
We knew we would wait, but we didn't know how heartbreaking the wait would be...

About 5 months ago we finished the (very) long process of getting licensed to foster/adopt through the Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS).  We quickly found a sibling group on the DFPS website that was legally free for adoption and we excitedly submitted our profile and waited...and waited...weeks seemed like an eternity and during that time we became attached (to say the least).  We learned their names and their likes, we studied their faces.  We shopped for beds and desks and dressers and lamps...everything was ready to go, boxes were stacked in the garage ready to be assembled the minute we heard the news.  Then...surprisingly...another family stepped into our story and there were 2 couples on the table for these kiddos we had grown to love.

My heart held a mixture of anxiety and joy; anxiety at the "competition" for children I deeply wanted to call my own and joy that there were others seeking to love children that needed and deserved a home and family.  We were still expecting the placement, and praying with our friends and family for favor.  The day of the RAS (Review Approval Staffing - aka placement meeting) came and the hours ticked by more slowly than I could have ever imagined. Just a few minutes after 3pm my husband told me...we weren't matched, the other couple was selected.

I can't put into words how hard and fast my heart sank, or the depth of agony that ran through my body.  I still had more than an hour left of work and somewhat held it together (one coworker sweetly asked if we had heard and then offered his office when, with tear filled eyes, I said we weren't selected) until I got to my car.  I sat in the garage for a long time sobbing and wailing...it wasn't a guarantee, but I loved them, I felt like I was their mom.  I wept for dreams that seemed snatched away and I mourned for other reasons I won't delve into here...I cried for days, disappointment and anger slowly crept into my heart.  Brokenness seemed to rush into our little world and we would be forever changed by these three children and their story.

Months have passed and I wish I could tell you I recovered fully and we have found unending joy in walking through the "process," but as is so common, the days have had ups and downs.   We have applied for nearly 20 cases, varying between single children to a sibling group of 4.  We have been selected for 4 RAS's so far and not been the primary match in any case.

A friend at church asked me how I am handling all this, being under a microscope, being judged by others when they have never met me.  I answered as honestly as I could..."not beautifully," I confessed with a short laugh.  I have been angry and hurt...angry at missed opportunities and hurt by assessments of the stability of our marriage and other issues I didn't expect.  I have felt like I have constantly been confessing my bitterness about the situation and crying to the Lord in an unrelenting way and it didn't seem to fix anything...I was still angry, I was still hurting.

Each time my husband and I weren't matched I sunk a little lower than before and we both did our best to point to God and His sovereignty and goodness, to Christ's story and presence, to the Spirit being at work...even when all of that wasn't clearly seen, even when it hurt and felt like we were being completely rejected as a couple, as parents, we remind ourselves that God works ALL things together for our good and His glory.  But eventually I got to a place where I hurt so much that I couldn't be pulled out of the hurting...

Last week we found out about our 5th RAS, which is scheduled for today.  Another sibling group of 3, completely adorable and beautiful, who also deserve a home and family.  The boys like Spiderman and the girl loves Frozen...we seriously contemplated putting on costumes to add to our home study profile (I may have an Elsa costume in the back of my closet...you know, for emergencies) - don't worry, we resisted.  In God's great timing our pastor happened to be on Matthew 3:13-4:11, the moment where Satan tempts Jesus...

"...Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed Him all the 

kingdoms of the world and their splendor.  'All this I will give you,' he said, 

'if you will bow down and worship me.'  Jesus said to him, ' Away from me, 

Satan! For it is written: "Worship the Lord your God, and serve Him only."'  

Then the devil left Him, and angels came and attended Him." -Matthew 4:11

I could go on for days at how blessed we are by our church and the giftedness of our pastor in preaching, but I won't for now(you could check him out on Sermon Audio!).  There was a particular point that struck me and lifted my spirit in a way I could not have imagined.

Jesus had a right to the kingdoms of the world, He would rule them all one day.  However, what Satan offered was a removal of the trials Jesus would have to go through to gain the world the way God planned.  God planned that His Son would be rejected, mocked, beaten, scorned, whipped, abandoned, brutally killed, and buried...BUT GOD also planned to raise Christ from the dead, to conquer sin and death through Christ's sacrifice and suffering.  Then seat Christ at His right hand, enthroned in Heaven, to reign over creation forever.  Jesus rejected the easy way out; He knew God's perfect plan and obeyed it fully.  He endured every hateful word and blow.  He endured the cross and gained the world, He gained His Bride, His church.

This drew my mind to some other passages of scripture...

"Therefore, since we have been declared righteous by faith, we have
peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.  We have also obtained
access through Him by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice
in the hope of the glory of god.  And not only that, but we rejoice in our
afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance, endurance
produces proven character, and proven character produces hope.  This hope
will not disappoint us, because God's love had been poured out in our hearts
through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."  Romans 5:1-5 (emphasis mine)

"If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first.  If you belonged
to the world, it would love you as its own.  As it is, you do not belong to the
world, but I have chosen you out of the world.  That is why the world hates you.
Remember what I told you: 'A servant is not greater than his master.' If they
persecuted me, they will persecute you also...'" - John  15:18-20 (emphasis mine)

Although there is still a part of me that remembers the original 3 and thinks, "what if..." I know my God is in complete control of everything, I know my Savior Jesus Christ is on His throne, and I know the Spirit is guarding us and keeping us.  We are here, in this hard season of life, waiting for God's perfect and good story to unfold.  The losses are hard, but I remember they were never mine to begin with...the feeling of rejection stings, but I remember we are accepted, nay chosen, by the God of the universe and He is FOR us!  He is making us more like Him by putting us through trials and tribulation, enabling us to endure and trust Him all the more!