If you missed Part 1 be sure to get caught up!
We thought our hands were open and willing to receive anything God had for us when we started down this path. After all, with Department of Family and Protective Services (DFPS) there are no guarantees when it comes to race or age or gender or sibling group size. That was all fine with us, we were ready to rejoice and toil in God's perfect plan for our family. But then we started to see a story unfold and our hands began to wrap around this one ideal, this one path, this one outcome, this idea that we knew exactly what was coming down the pipe, and our house of cards was stacking up nicely…but, God had a different plan, a better plan.
A text came one day and the cards fell. There had been a policy change at our agency which meant we needed to move agencies. All the progress we had made was out the door. Our fingerprinting would carry over but the training and paperwork would all need to be redone…I can't explain how fast and hard my heart sank. I felt like we were getting close, the story was coming together, and suddenly it was ripped out of our hands. I cried (a lot), I felt crushed and overwhelmed. We needed to start over, we needed to hunt down a new agency that would be a good fit while juggling being newlyweds and learning my new position at work which had new work schedule to adjust to. It all seemed like too much to process! Then a sweet, still voice wisped to my aching heart…this isn't your story remember? This is My story, open your hands again. As you can imagine more tears ensued, but this time joy and mercy were at the root, not self-pity and victim-minded or entitlement-oriented thinking. I was reminded that our life, our marriage, our family is not about us but rather about God and His rightly deserved glory. I can't be reminded of that truth often enough!
We aren't entering into adopting through the foster care system because we have seen beautiful stories of families being formed (because I have seen just as many heart broken families where the placement didn't continue for life). We aren't doing it because we think our home is the perfect place to raise a child compared to a biological family in the system (we are far from perfect and still sinners only saved by grace through faith and we only do ANY good thing byof God's grace and the Spirit working in and through us…we are helpless and hopeless apart from Him). We aren't doing it as a last resort because of infertility (adoption was a priority for us before we even started dating and we do hope biological children will be part of God's plan for us so our family can be uniquely and beautifully blended as the Jews and Gentiles were blended into the family of God by Christ). And we aren't doing it because it is an easy process (we have counted the cost and look joyfully ahead to what we know only God is able to do). We pray our home is a safe place for whomever God chooses to fill our quiver. We pray our lives boldly and clearly display the Gospel to our children, family, friends, and the world!
Do I still at times fear what is ahead, what is unknown? Do I still grow weary in the wait and the work this process demands? Yes! I am still being sanctified so that is a given. However, I remember (and more often my husband reminds me) how often God has commanded us to "not fear." He is perfect, just, righteous, glorious, gracious, and merciful to us. He is enough! He will go before us, hem us in! He is our strength and banner of victory. Whom shall I fear? Nothing can separate me from His loving grip on my life! That is the truth my anxious and waiting heart needs to hear over and over, every minute of every day. Oh how sweet are the words in Lamentations,
"Remember my affliction and my homelessness,the wormwood and the poison.
I continually remember them
and have become depressed.
Yet I call this to mind,
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the Lord’s faithful love
we do not perish,
for His mercies never end.
They are new every morning;
GREAT IS YOUR FAITHFULNESS!
I say: The Lord If my portion,
therefore I will put my hope in Him. "
(Lamentations 3:19-24, emphasis mine)
If God wills, the journey is not over for us. Currently we are in a new phase of waiting and likely won't be "on the list” (to receive a placement in our home) for some months and it becomes more and more apparent in times like this that spiritual warfare in the process of adoption is real. I never thought about it until a friend recently asked how specifically I saw it manifesting in our lives. To be honest, I have let my prayer life dwindle since starting this adventure which is the exact opposite of what I SHOULD be doing and I know it! Satan has been hard at work in my brain trying to convince me of his lies and so I must learn to fight like Christ in this dark age.
Christ used the word of God to resist the devil in the desert. I need the sword of the Spirit which is the word of God always in my mind powerfully molding all my thoughts, actions, tears, joys, and decisions. I think this is why we are told to write the Word of God on our foreheads and our hands (Deuteronomy 6:8)!
I have been amazed by His patience and mercy with me in my propensity to forget His goodness and grace! I praise Him for being slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love! It is a perfect example of what we are going to be called to be as parents to the children He brings us. We are going to be responsible for pointing them to Christ and teaching them who God is in all we say and do…how wonderful of Him to use this season where so much is unknown and uncomfortable to show me not only how to trust and rely on Him, but also to display to me what I am called to be like as a parent (Him) to imperfect and rebellious children (me). What a good and perfect Father to never lose an opportunity to discipline and correct and mature His beloved children for His glory and our good!!
May my hope be built on nothing less than Jesus' blood and righteousness and my I wholly trust in His name alone!
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