"The heart of a man plans his ways..." - Proverbs 16:9a
And boy did I...plan my ways I mean. I had it all figured out. I would graduate, get a job, work a little while, meet my husband, be married at 25, buy a house, get a dog, and start having babies at 30. Nothing wrong or sinful in those plans, but here's the rub, they weren't God's plan for me. After graduation everything seemed to be "on track," then all of a sudden things seemed to going out of [my] order.
Years 24 and 25 was a time of recovering from my bad decisions at 21-23 and growing in intimacy and love of the Lord. And 26 was full of blind dates and "fun" online dating stories, but nothing ending with a ring. I also struggled through purchasing a house that year. I say struggle because I always assumed I would look for and purchase a home with my husband. I thought my indecisiveness would be offset by his decisiveness. My inevitable emotional attachment to a structure would be met by his practicality in investment. But that wasn't the plan...I stepped into what was to me the bitter-sweet situation of buying and making a home all on my own. My parents were wonderful support but I was forced to make some tough decisions for myself, for my future, and I did...kicking and screaming all the way. It was a time of growth, a time to see the Lord's favor and direction. 26 also brought a new transition at work. To God's glory alone I received a promotion and began the grueling process of learning an entirely new aspect of my field of work.
Two very difficult (and God-glorifying) changes in my life were met with sweet grace and guidance from God. I had to rest and rely on Him for comfort and wisdom. I had to mourn through some of that time, let go of the dreams and plans I had made. And I don't think He was disappointed in my weeping, I honestly believe He not only held me in that time but He also cried with me through it. He understood my pain; the pain of releasing expectations, releasing desires to Him and beginning to seek out His own for me. He needed to teach me some things.
"...but the Lord establishes his steps." - Proverbs 16:9b
It wasn't some epiphany, a light didn't shine down and a soothing voice didn't speak to me. I sought Him out in His Word, who He is and what He says about me. Amazingly my perspective began to change. Disappointment didn't disappear from my life and I still struggle to trust that I am doing the right thing in waiting for and not seeking out a husband. Someone to walk through this life with, be sanctified by God through, to know fully and be known fully by. The desire to be married has not passed, He never took it away even when I asked Him to. But I began to know Him more, differently, sweetly anew.
Even more recently I was talking to someone about adopting a dog and, with no negativity intended, they said casually "a dog is a big commitment...why don't you find a husband first." I wish I could say I responded in grace and spoke words of truth in love, instead I withered to a basket-case and began weeping. I couldn't understand the logic. I was finally to a point where I had accepted that my life would be out of order, that for the foreseeable future (until the man God was preparing for me "saw" me or I left this world to be with my ultimate Beloved for eternity) I would be doing some things on my own (though never really alone). Thankfully once the tears began to subside I was able to voice my heart, that I could not expect to put my life on hold until I got married. I have a lot things to do and adopting a rescue dog might be one of them. BUT even though this is a plan I have made for the near future, I trust the Lord will direct my steps, He will lead me and guide me and grant peace on His path for me. His ways are higher than my ways and His thoughts are higher than my thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9), therefore I can put the full weight of my hope on Him, knowing He is not only capable but also steadfast in love and ultimately trustworthy. In the ups and downs, the easy days and the ones that bring me to my knees, He seeks to make me better, to grow me in love of Him and His creation and that is all I can ask for.
"From the ends of the earth I call to You when my heart is faint; lead me to the Rock that is higher than I." -Psalm 61:2
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/should-i-be-content-with-my-singleness
http://www.thegospelcoalition.org/article/one-day-he-appeared-my-tgc-love-story
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