"It's not my story, it's God's story. I just get to be a part of it..."
My life started out as a pretty typical "Church Kid."
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| Walking home from Church on a typical Sunday |
I grew up in church, attended Sunday school, served as an acolyte
and scripture reader, and accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior in the sixth grade
at church camp. After my conversion
experience I began my walk in faith in Christ; I read scripture often and kept
prayer journals. I was discipled by our
youth pastor and asked to lead bible studies in youth group. I thought I was on the fast track to having a
nice clean story, but the stage was being set for God to show me how much I
need His, and not my own, righteousness.
My senior year I learned that I did not agree with some
theological issues within our church’s denomination. I was angry and confused, but instead of
running to God, directing my emotions and confusion on the feet of the One who
can redeem and restore, I realize now, I became cold to "church."
Cold to my church specifically and generally hard-hearted to an organization of
people who didn't seem to clearly care for the members of the body and
following God’s word closely.
Once in college I
"shopped around" and decided to join a local Baptist
church. I loved the preaching and
decided to be baptized by immersion, I understood it to be an outward symbol of
an already inward conversion. However by
the end of my freshman year I became very focused on grades and church
involvement slipped to the back burner along with prayer and personal Bible
study/quiet time.
I also began a relationship that was not God centered. I was wholly convicted that this relationship
wasn't in God's plan for me, but I told God that I could handle it, He had made
me strong and I would be able to protect myself. And I walked away from my Father's embrace
into the path of self-reliance, to pursue something I wanted.
“There was a man who had two sons. The younger one said to his
father, ‘Father, give me my share of the estate.’ So he divided his property
between them. Not long after that, the younger son got together all he had, set
off for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild
living." ~Luke 15:11-13
Unfortunately and not surprisingly my strength didn't last and I
soon made compromises to stay
in the relationship. A few months later
the relationship ended and I didn't return to God. I didn't run to His arms for comfort and
forgiveness, for love, mercy and grace.
Instead my heart hardened further and I returned to academics and began
to dabble in drinking.
When the next relationship ended following graduation I had
started a new job that wasn't in "my plan" and felt alone in my home
town while my friends were back at school completing degrees. And while I visited churches out of a
"Sunday obligation,” I didn't commit to one or attend on a regular
basis. I turned to drinking and partying
once again to crowd out the loneliness and sadness, and I blacked out, waking
up on the floor of my bathroom more than once.
One morning I looked around at my mess and felt incredibly deep
shame, regret, and sadness. I began to pray (by what I can only describe as the
power of the Holy Spirit); I wanted the intimacy with Him, to have the sweet,
loving, gracious relationship I remembered having with Him. To have the opportunity to enter into His
presence and know Him. He met me where I
was and answered my prayer immediately.
In that moment I felt Him tell me to "Get up…" and go back to
one of the churches I had visited. He
wasn’t done showing me how much I needed Him.
"After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine
in that whole country, and he began to be in need. So he went and hired himself
out to a citizen of that country, who sent him to his fields to feed pigs. He
longed to fill his stomach with the pods that the pigs were eating, but no one
gave him anything. "When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my
father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death! I
will set out and go back to my father and say to him: Father, I have sinned
against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son;
make me like one of your hired servants.’" ~ Luke 15:14-19
"Here then, in the nick of time, as a very present help
in time of trouble, comes the Holy Spirit.
He draws near to teach us how to pray, and in this way he helps our
infirmity, relieves our suffering, and enables us to bear the heavy burden without
fainting under the load" ~ Charles Spurgeon
It didn't happen immediately, it took a week to walk back into
the church building. Once I was there
however I started to get involved. I
participated in class activities, Bible studies, and sought out people to get
to know. I still felt completely
inadequate, intimidated, and a lot of shame. Then one day our director gave his
testimony, to put it simply it wasn't pretty.
That was the first time I felt like I could "fit in" with the
church-people again. Maybe I wasn't the
only one who had been far off, needing their Father to chase them down and
restore them to sonship.
"So he got up and went to his father. “But while he was
still a long way off, his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him;
he ran to his son, threw his arms around him and kissed him. “The son said to
him, ‘Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer
worthy to be called your son.’ But the father said to his servants, ‘Quick!
Bring the best robe and put it on him. Put a ring on his finger and sandals on
his feet. Bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s have a feast and
celebrate. For this son of mine was dead and is alive again; he was lost and is
found.’ So they began to celebrate." ~ Luke 15:20-24
But guilt and shame plagued me, they were a constantly in the
back of my mind. Until one Sunday we studied Romans 8. I felt that God could do nothing with me or
in me if I continued to sit in condemnation.
That by holding onto my past and continuing to emotionally punish myself
I was claiming that Jesus' sacrifice and work on the cross was insufficient for
the sins I had committed, which is utter lunacy. So I resolved to receive His gift of
forgiveness and see what the Lord could do.
Praise God for His abundant mercy and love; He quickly began to use me,
grow me, and send me....oh to look back and see all He did in an through me is
such a wonder; I deserved none of it but I humbly receive all He has for me
knowing that He works ALL things for my good and His glory! But above it all, most importantly, He
convicted me of my utter need for Him. I
could do no good thing apart from Him. I
am a sinner, I am in desperate need of my Savior all day long, every moment of
the day. He is my only hope for salvation
and being right with God. What a gift of
grace to be handed faith in the One who covers our sin completely and lovingly.
But life doesn’t stay pretty forever. At the end of 2012 year my entire world shifted. Within 2 weeks I closed on a house, began remodeling, started a new job, my mom had a heart attack, and along with personal heartbreak/a friendship ending I felt completely hopeless; thus began my journey through depression.
To be continued...
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