A brief retelling...[Part 2]

A brief retelling...[Part 1]
...At the end of 2012 year my entire world shifted. Within 2 weeks I closed on a house, began remodeling, started a new job, my mom had a heart attack, and along with personal heartbreak/a friendship ending I felt completely hopeless; thus began my journey through depression.

My favorite girls!
This was taken toward the end of my season of depression
and these women loved me so well through it!

I admit I was amazingly blessed to have parents that saw something was wrong with me, to point it out, to gently speak to me about my out-of-character behavior.  There were also mentors at my church who helped me get into counseling, something I had been averse to previously but through relationships with godly women I learned could be a place for God to work healing and recovery. Where I used to turn to drinking and other physical distractions from my emotional and mental distress, I now turned to scripture and friends for hope, encouragement, and endurance.

"For thus says the Lord: Only when Babylon’s seventy years are completed will I visit you, and I will fulfill to you my promise and bring you back to this place. For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope." ~Jeremiah 29:10-11

There is no easy way to describe it, depression is a terrifying road. Uncontrollable anger, sadness, crying, and suicidal thoughts flooded over me. I was scared and felt utterly out of control in every aspect of my life.  I couldn't sleep, I had no appetite (and I mean NO appetite), and I would have radical emotional responses to the littlest of things.  I was unloving and unkind to a lot of people, I was not myself and I hated every moment of this time.  Being around people stressed me out so I generally avoided groups and social situations. I felt like I was always having to pretend I was "alright" for the sake of not being a burden to my friends and family.

I knew there would be a wait, a time I would sit in this season.  Somehow I knew this was going to be a long road, that the Lord was going to walk me through this but it was going to be a while.  However, I also knew that God would use this for my good and His glory.

"We know that all things work together for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose."
~ Romans 8:28

In this season all I could do was pray and read scripture for comfort. I thanked Him that no matter how bad my life felt He loved me, chose me, and I clung to His truth and promises. I gave Him every wayward thought, every tear, every fear.  Counseling was a wonderful experience but it mostly confirmed that I needed to know biblical truth, preach that truth to myself, and confess and hand over the lies I was being told to God; He could handle them and could confirm His promises and love to me.

"Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you. So I will bless you as long as I live; I will lift up my hands and call on your name." ~ Psalm 63:3-4

 

I exited my "cave" as my Pastor, Gregg Matte, would call it sometime at the end of 2013.  If you have ever been through something like depression you know it is not a clear exit, it is more of a slow crawl back into the light. I don’t know why that was the end, but I know it's because of God alone and no work I put in was what got me through. His grace, mercy, and love were and are sufficient to save me from myself and my enemies.  Even as it was ending I always felt this hesitancy to feel happy about it, like the other shoe was going to drop at any moment, but eventually I learned to embrace the joy of life again.

Don't get me wrong, life is still not perfect.  There are still struggles I am working through, still times where I doubt what God says about me. I feel like I am tempted to believe that I am inadequate, guilty, unwanted, and every other negative qualifier. But, in these moments I aim to remember Biblical truths to combat the enemy's lies. Now I cling to the entirety of Philippians4:10-13 because I know a very low low and Who lifts me up and gives me hope.

"I rejoice in the Lord greatly that now at last you have revived your concern for me; indeed, you were concerned for me, but had no opportunity to show it. Not that I am referring to being in need; for I have learned to be content with whatever I have. I know what it is to have little, and I know what it is to have plenty. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being well-fed and of going hungry, of having plenty and of being in need. I can do all things through him who strengthens me."  ~ Philippians 4:10-13